Fiery-Hot Being

2011-11-27T13:47:00.000-08:00

Wow, its like 5am and im here to blog randomly... just felt like it. was reading up my life posts previously and seems i made kinda some effed up immature narrations of my life. well, a very angsty part of me tends to spouts nonsense and i guess i need to change it. anyways, not to bother about previous posts, I am just quite tired of the exams, its still in my mind that I screwed up calculus, due to lack of proper time management and bad planning. its just my fault, simply no one to blame but myself.

For these past few days,

I think that self-reflection is often necessary to create a barrier to stop u in ur tracks and check what have u been doing so far. Me? Kinda effed up attitude, but still changing myself for the better, hope to whine lesser, and of course, open up in my character.. being open-minded makes u far less inclined to be angry. What sparks me to think of such stuffs was when I went to my sec school fren's 21st, we were reminiscing wif the old days, nvr really serious, finding fault with the teachers and etc. Life just fly past u without remorse. haha, just like that. But well, u gotta move ahead and nvr regret what has passed. well, nid to sleep now, zzzz

2011-09-17T06:26:00.000-07:00

Life, as it has always been, a rush factor. Many reasons account for this observation.

Let's take a look at our current lives :

study Uni

Work

relationship

frenship

etc...

The above 3 was wad I have juggling with except for work. Uni seems to go okay for me.

But when its about the other 2 human to human relation, I admit I sucked at it.

I do realise and I admit that I am an extremely sensitive man. However, i account to

myself that I have always treated people I care about with utmost concern. I previously ranted

about brothers. I used to believe if u were in trouble, your brothers would be there to save you.

In fact the consistent amount of unwavering care and concern comes from your family and ONLY your family. now, daryl wasn't the first I had judged wrongly. Jacob, Xu Kang, Freeman and jackson are all my mistakes. Why do I always make such terrible mistakes? I do prove that i lack independence. Yes. I hate feeling so soft. It makes me weak and to the extent that I am childish. You meant to tell me your time is precious and mine is not? Want to ask me go out then call, not happy attitude me. When i am so busy with work and i put in effort to plan to meet your,

wad attitude your gimme? Its always: you go ask the rest.

If all the people tell me this, then, wad conclusion do i get? Knn, i just wasted my fone bills on redundant calls. Xu kang, u still got the guts to tell me I noe the answer that u will say go ask the rest. Seriously u ever thought how irritating that was? When we go out, u all never bothered with my opinions. Even my simple invitations to my 21st, For jax and freeman and jacob's, ur all no hesitation. Mine, ur intend to hesitate until last minute then gimme answer. brother until lidat i dun wan sua. your think i no need order food capacity? i dun nid catering capacity? My parents are doing the work and the least that i could have done is do the invitation.

becoz of these stuffs, i felt like an idiot. honestly, the lack of sincerity is what I see in you all. Apparently, I was wrong in you. I'm sorry if I wasted any of you people's time. But if this relation between us is as brittle as this, then I would say that the term: WE never existed in the first place.

Ever since I went to NTU, I feel so eff-ed up, becoz I am not there to find frens, but to make use of people to make me climb up to 1st class honors. I myself is an effed-up person too by saying this. School work is tough, I do things independently form my friends and most of the time alone. No9 will tell me that life cant be lived alone and a world without frens is so lonely. I replied him, in future, there will only be people following me, no one will lead me. i dun follow. I'm so... dunno.. its just that I am so tired with maintaining all these frenships and its not the first time that i rant about all this. Of course, i noe, deep in my heart, its a plethora of contradictions. I say this and yet my heart hopes the other way round. Just wad should I do? Am I wrong to rely too much on my brothers? Or a more appropriate question, did they even exist in the first place.

From the good things, I learnt how to be a thankful person. From the bad things, I learnt how to be a strong person. A side note. Credits to Jia yi's FB post.

2011-04-20T04:30:00.000-07:00

I am 21 yrs old this year. Living with my parents and 2 sisters. For the first 12 years, I lived alongside my grandmother, 2 aunties. My life has been considered quite happy. I remember that I can play as much as I want, scold vulgarities as much as I want and play pranks as much as I want. A life of freedom. Its true, i will not be able to reach where I am now if I continued staying with my grandmother; probably I am some gangster by now, but I must say at least I am happy because my grandmother cares deeply for me, elder aunt too. I admit I hated my parents for "throwing" me aside. Why is it that my friend's parents can take care of their children while my parents are totally just off the hook? I asked myself countless times during those days. As I grew up, I learnt to understand and speak less. However I couldn't bring myself to close one eye on it. So after 12 years, they decided to take me back home and take care of me. I was naive. I thought that they are finally missing me. however, I was never more than wrong to believe in that. One day, when i was in JC2, my mother and I had a tiff over something trivial, but she couldn't control, she keep hitting me, called me a useless bum, saying that I am a worthless fat piece of junk that sucks up our family's fund. Wow! I had never heard anything more hurtful than this. yes, I cried alone in the room. Since then i knew, I had a bad mother. she told me, she brought me back to train me for so long, I am still like that. What caught my mind was the word : train. To me, this word is usually a relationship between workers and employers, maid and masters and etc. I was shocked that my mother said that. in the next sentence she said she wasted all the money raising me. my question was, would a mother tell her own son that she trained him to be useful and cunning enough to earn money to repay them? technically, I believe that the society's family sense of belonging has this mentality that filial piety is no.1. So, I began asking myself, technically yes, thats the blunt way we put it, that we grow up to repay them. But the underlying chemistry should have been loving tender care and concern isn't it? Why am I just not receiving it? Today, we can actually quarrel over such trivial stuff such as DINNER. WTF? FML. She dotes on my 2 sisters alot. Okay, its a given that usually, daughters are closer to mum while sons are closer to dads. Haha, i am afraid I don't share the same relation. pretty wrecked up huh? my family? Had enough of it! I am going to tell myself, I hate my mother. I HATE YOU!

2011-03-11T06:07:00.000-08:00

I have been spending these few days to think things through. I realized that there are many things I need to change. I have to get rid of my angstiness first and foremost. I believe all the other flaws I may possess are to have a close link with regards to this factor. I guess if I learn to be more patient, I can at least have assurance to be a better person, greater confidence and more importantly; be more understanding.
You see, I am quite an overbearing person for these years and my friends are actually quite unhappy about it. I knew it all along but I did not see the need to change because I felt that that was me in my defining character. However, I was enlightened by no.1 that I am becoming a better person/(improvised or enhanced) instead of changing my originality. many years ago he told me that but I did not heed his advice and now I need my camp mates to tell me that. Of course, army is a place for us to step into the true adulthood as a man. I don't deny that there are many I have seen that are still the same after all these years(which i shall not mention names) and I do not wish to be like them.
Frankly speaking, I complained about girls not liking me, but when i though about it, I realized my actions are the ones that causes girls to feel turn off. I am overbearing, cocky and quite offensive in my words, all thanks to my angstiness and my " never lose " kind of attitude.
I remember once, before WeeKee left ADOC, he told me to take good care of myself. Apparently, i did not handle myself well enough. Previously, HanWei also used to tell me that I will never live a fufilling life and I should consider a change in my opinions in life. Furthermore, he has also revealed to me that when WeeKee was around, he has given me alot of benefits and also told me that WeeKee has protected me and my reputations from many lashing tongues. I do sincerely thank him from the bottom of my heart. Hes a good friend and working partner of mine previously in ADOC. He has also helped me in my appeal in my NTU PAP course. I therefore feel that i should at least carry out his words for me to take good care of myself. All i want to say to people who have taken part in giving me feedback about my problems, i truly thank you from the bottom of my heart. I shall talk less now and listen more.

2011-03-05T08:27:00.000-08:00

I am a fool.. Fooled by yet another ugly side of humanity. Betrayal. yes, I am betrayed. By someone of my concern. Again and again. Thanks alot pal, for betraying me.

2011-02-27T07:17:00.000-08:00

I am beginning to hate my parents. Its enough that they have done. There are many things (which is too lengthy to type) that I wanna say and deliver, but I guess its not up to me. when I watched Dream High, I was appalled at the way JinGuk treated his father, with utmost patience and loving care when his father dun give a shit. I used to think that parents will definitely treat their child well, but I guess, not so anymore. Parents are complacent, getting more and more ridiculous everywhere. They don't even realise they on the other hand, are the ones with attitude problems, coz they simply don't even respect their child's attitude and character. It sometimes never fails to amaze me how ridiculous they can compare children with other ppl's children and don't give a FUCK about how their child may feel. Seriously, I am not the type to endure all this shit. If you've got courses to allow me to be more tolerant, I won't need it coz I see no point in cultivating and condoning any of such nonsense that they tend to show to me.
Bottomline, you may do whatever you wish, but please do not impose your character and personal expectations on me. I am stubborn just like you both who created me. So don't expect me to sit still and perform what you told me to( like a caged bird or a tied dog for reference). Whatever you both may be thinking, was it a mistake to create me?
your choice. I do not need to know.

2011-02-20T04:52:00.000-08:00

Life is dull as usual. Been growing tired of playing my NDS already. Anyways, I read that they were discussing about going to Sentosa. Hah, but I was thinking, my body isn't one of the best. So it doesn't make any difference if I had been there with them. I was going to get myself to go jogging later. You see, I am not the typical low self esteem kinda idiot that goes about bitching about my ugly bodyshape. I show it with actions. Anyway, My Yuri has been maintaining her pretty face these days.. Proof :

Anyeong~

2011-02-16T03:34:00.000-08:00

Well, I re-lived my blog. I will have to rely on my blog much nowadays to relieve my emotional needs. You see, I live quite a sad life now. I hate very much the way I am right now. Honestly, l hate the society, the people and even my friends. I always try my best to do my best everyday, but in the very end my conclusion is still the same. I was never accepted. My life fucks me up.

FRIENDSHIP
i used to think that I have 10 brothers.

1. Kokwei
2. Willy
3. XuKang
4. Jackson
5. Jacob
6. Daryl
7. freeman
8. Chun Ming
9. Gabriel
10. Wei Lun

However, after many considerations, only the first 2 seems to be genuinely concerned with me. I am honestly disappointed with the rest of the others but probably the last 3 will listen to wad I have to say though. i used to hang out alot with 4 to 7. i realised they arent people I can live long with. Yes, they lend me money whenever I am in need, they ask me out, have fun, K-session for me to display my male high voices. But that was the fun part. They tend to neglect my emotional requirements. I tried not to talk to them after jackson's Birthday, see if they asked me out or talk to me. No more. Neither did they call or talk to me in FB. No news to update. they think I am lameshit. When they have things to share, I am always the last. I hate it. I appear to enjoy, but I dun. I have had enough. Jacob and Xukang dun care about me, Jackson only calls me out when he has no one to ask or when the rest are not free. Daryl oni contacts me once in a while or maybe never. I dun noe much how freeman sees me. There has been a period that they kept coming to my hse below to gym. I didnt think much, I thought they genuinely wanted to spend time with me. Now that I think of it, I was wrong. Very very wrong. I guess I was never important to them. Why am I so stupid? So wad if I entered NTU? So wad if I have friends when all of them dun make me happy? I put in effort for my friends, but what do I get in return? Nothing. Not even a genuine friendship. Sincerity and truthfulness really hits bottom low in these modern days apparently. Kokwei treats me the best, willingly forgive me for all the wrongs I have made. Willy apparently had done the same job. I had promised them that we are gonna be brothers for life. Been through thick and thin. It seems to me that I have to learn to read people's minds instead of naively believe what they are doing on the surface. that's it, friendship has already created a great big ruckus in my mind now. I felt like crying, but I have no one to cry to. But I guess I have to stay strong. I am a real man! And real men dun cry, they bleed. so yea. I am done with friends. (I have plans to delete FB too)

RELATIONSHIP
This, as you can see, explains another portion of my heart-ripping moments. I know that I dun have good exterior appearance, I am fat, have an unusually high voice, but I do not believe that these actually attribute to me being a turn off to girls. Its a wonder to me why Girls just generally do not fall for me but treats me more of their "sister". Honestly, I believe that girls in this modern society are increasingly Overconfident, arrogant and of course, materialistic. I used to hold this concept that my ideal girl is someone who loves me for who I am, someone who is willing to accept my flaws, someone who could reciprocate and constantly show appreciation. But apparently, I have not met any one girl that is like this thus far. This coupled with the way girls reject me when I propose to them and this made me lose confidence in girls. I just think that they are seriously Overconfident and treats us guys like trash. So this is the gender equality that the girls are asking for? Is that the equality that they strived for? To push away men's So called dominance and undermine their capabilities? Not that i am biased against the girls, but, what exactly are they trying to show us guys? Seriously. As men are from mars, women venus, I guess sometimes i am just trying too hard. God, I just wish all this could end. I wish i could say : It was only just a dream~ :(